Just Another Day with Gotei Thirteen
by Zhampy
Summary: Random days centreing on Gotei 13. Day Four: Yachiru finds a book with all the Captain's pictures in...
1. Day One

**A/N: **Hmm, I don't actually have anything to say in these things this time around. I was torn between this idea and an Ukitake/Hitsu/Gin idea, but this one was more ehhhh. Oh, and I started reading the proper translation of Bleach then scanlations so I confused myself and now seem to use both English and Japanese terms. Though, I guess a lot of people do that, haha.

**Author: **Yoru Ryu  
**Rating: **K / PG  
**Listening To: **Tryin' to Help -- Orson  
**Disclaimer: **You're a poor bloody thing if ya think I own Bleach.  
**Warnings: **OOCness, but not overly so…mostly just on Aizen since he's not fun otherwise.

**Just Another Day with Gotei Thirteen  
**_Day One_

The doors slammed open as a figure came marching into the room. The figure crossed him arms to stand over and look down upon another person, eyes set.

Un-shook by the sudden intrusion into his personal rooms Ichimaru Gin lifted his head deliberately slow. "Aizen taicho," he greeted the fellow Captain with a grin.

Unfolding his arms and snapping his fingers Aizen all but pointed at the other Captain. "Come, Gin. We're going to the living world."

From the way his face moved it was obvious to those with sharp eyes that Gin were blinking in confusion. "Why?"

"Because I think it's high time you learned how to drive."

Gin was silent for a few long moments, "can you drive, Aizen taicho?"

Aizen scoffed with a wave of his hand. "That's not important. Come on, we're going."

"Bu' I 'ave to wa'er my plants."

"Leave the damn plants!"

* * *

Gigai weren't terribly comfortable, but the living world was the only place that one could learn to drive in. And the only place that had cars full stop. If it were the only place to use cars then why was Aizen-sama wanting him to learn, Gin mused to himself as he followed the taller man along the allotment of garages. 

"This is the car we will be using!" Aizen held his arms out to indicate the car after he'd tossed open the garage door. It hardly looked garage-worthy let alone road-worthy. Nearly every part of it was a different colour what with being built up from several other cars. Yellow doors, a green roof, blue wheel arches… what next? Leopard skin seats? The only consolation were the pair of fluffy dice and a nodding dog in it. Stylish.

"It's so… beau'iful?" Gin smiled blankly. Did he really have to drive that? Upon closer inspection it actually had Dalmatian-spotted seats, hmm.

The Fifth Division Captain pushed his glasses back up his nose to catch the light. "Isn't it just? Kurotsuchi said it was pieced up from _seven _other cars, so it _must _be good!"

"Mus' be."

"Well, let's not waste anymore time. Hop in!" The pair of Captains stood in silence staring at the car. More and more time dragged on as Gin let his posture fall and Aizen kept rearranging his glasses. "Well!?"

"Well wha'?" Gin asked.

"Get in!"

Looking back and forth between the car and his former Captain, Gin raised his eyebrows and held his hands out. "Oh, no. After you, Aizen Taicho."

Aizen set his jaw and scowled gesturing as well, "no, no. After you."

Gin waved his hands, head bowed. "Ah couldn't possibly. I'll follow ya lead."

"No need for formalities, Gin. Get in the car."

"Nah, it's wouldn't be righ'."

"Get in!"

"I'll ge' in after ya - wouldn' feel righ' otherwise."

"Car! In!"

"After you."

"No, after you!"

"After you."

"After you!"

"After you."

"After _you_!"

"… why don't ya just admit ya don't know 'ow ta get in."

"Never! Lies! Lies and slander!" Aizen barked storming over to the multi-coloured vehicle and yanking on what he assumed was the door. Unfortunately the assumed door was the side mirror and it was ripped clean off to be thrown across the floor - Fifth Captain practically foaming at the mouth.

"Kurotsuchi Taicho won't be very 'appy," Gin quipped. "Maybe ya should try the keys? … oh, nevermin'…" he trailed off as the older shinigami put his fist through the window.

"All done! Now we can continue," Aizen stated, obviously oblivious to the state of his arm which had left blood all over the place.

"Tha's gonna be 'orrid to clean," Gin pointed out at the state of the spotted seats.

* * *

"We'll try somewhere quiet first," Aizen tried to say as he was tossed about in the car as it kangaroo-hopped along a quaint country trail they'd discovered. The gears ground together from the shift from second to third and the whole frame of the car creaked as it's tyres plunged down a particularly bad pothole. The engine gave a pathetic hiccup as the tyres climbed out from the hole. "Don't worry, the first lesson is always a tad jolty." 

"Yeah, I'd agree if _I _were the one drivin'," Gin gripped the dashboard harder, seriously in fear for his gigai's life.

The car lurched to a sudden stop, tossing them both forward. "Alright, you take it from here and drive into town."

"Do ya think that's a really good idea?" Gin drawled. "My neck 'urts. Kinda like tha' time Ran-chan tied me to a chair for sittin' through 'er entire date with 'isagi-fukutaicho."

"Oh, suck it up," Aizen scoffed after a moment of processing that unnecessary information. "Let's switch," he ordered as both shinigami began the weird process of switching seats which could've been easily solved by simply getting out of the car.

"Why am I learin' to drive anyway?" Gin asked the question that'd been plaguing him all day now.

"Because when I am King of Soul Society (and the world) I am _not _going to drive my _great _self around. I'll need a chauffer!"

"Oh, great," the Third Captain muttered but Aizen didn't catch the double meaning - though he _did _frown disapprovingly.

* * *

Shortly after Ichimaru Gin'd put the car through two ditches and numerous hedges, run over a flock of geese then reversed over the farmer chasing them they arrived on the fringes of town, only to plough into a stationary car parked against the pavement. 

"Good work," Aizen sighed and wiped his brow, "we finally got away from that man with the pitchfork. But we need to figure out a way of stopping without hitting something. Look…" He leaned forward to look at the other cars on the road pull up to a set of traffic lights safely.

"Actually, I think we need ta get outta this car in fron' first," Gin mentioned whilst examining the damage on the bonnet… not that either of them knew what anything looked like, broken or not, so it was pointless.

"Alright, I've decided. We'll follow those cars ahead. I think it would be best to reverse from this car," Aizen stated matter-of-factly.

"Got'cha," Gin nodded and threw the multi-coloured box into reverse. The pair tried to remain nonchalant as their car backed up across someone's front lawn and decimated their garden wall.

Aizen crossed his arms in contemplation. "The streets around here must be warped," he reasoned, because everyone knew he and his former Lieutenant never make mistakes.

"This thing can take a lo' of abuse," Gin countered. "Tha's good to know."

Slowly and extremely carefully they approached and joined the line of cars at the traffic lights. Missing most of the openings to pass they soon found themselves at the head of the line with a lot of highly irritable people piled up behind beeping their horns.

"Well, this is going much better than I thought!" Aizen smiled. "We've only run one person over, and quite frankly he deserved it, and we've managed not to draw too much attention to ourselves in the process. A very good job indeed."

"Aizen Taicho, wha's this man doin'?" Gin asked sat at the wheel while eyeing a man dressed in tatters dash over to them.

"Now all I need is Tosen to dress like a butler…"

Still watching the man Gin gasped. "Sosuke-sama, he's-whoa!"

Aizen jolted out of his thoughts as a wet something-or-other splattered on their windscreen. "Oh, it's wet!" he stated the obvious as soapy water sprayed in on the both of them through the broken window.

"An' it tastes 'orrible!" Aizen turned to see Gin spitting and trying to examine his own tongue.

"What's this maniac doing!?"

Spit, spit. "He's attackin' the car!"

Aizen watched on in horror as Gin produced a Soul Candy, swallowed it and jumped out at the hopeful tramp washing their windscreen. The tramp himself shrieked as a seemingly invisible force grabbed him and tossed him down the street.

"Ikorose, Shiiiiiinsoooo…!"

"No, wait! Come baaaack!" Aizen yelled as he watched the other Captain run down the street after the homeless man. "Damnit." He was about to sulk some more before he noticed the gigai sat next to him was staring - wide-eyed and perplexed.

"Uh, who are you?" Aizen asked it carefully. Mod Souls were just… wrong in the head. Best to be wary.

"Kuu, I'm Kuu!"

"Who?"

"Kuu, Kuu!" the Mod Soul repeated while throwing the fox-headed pez-dispenser away. "What're we doing?"

Aizen was actually too creeped out to answer. Ichimaru's general appearance didn't affect him like it did most people, but seeing him bright-eyed with jerky, sudden movements and touchy-feely hands was just… well yes, wrong. He had to smack the gigai to stop it putting it's finger in the cigarette lighter.

"We are, rather, I am giving a driving lesson."

"Kuu, can you drive, mister?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Aizen sighed irritably. "_You _wait here while I get Gin back." He paused as he remembered he didn't actually know how to get out - Gin'd jumped through the window like he did nearly everywhere.

"Kuu, I knoooooow how to get out," Kuu teased, wriggling his eyebrows.

Clasping his hands in his lap Aizen frowned nervously, "ah, we'll just wait for Gin to come back of his own accord." He could only hope his Mod Soul was a little more dignified. It was enough to put one off the idea for good.

"Kuu, ahhhhh," Kuu ran his hands over the steering wheel. "I remember these…"

The Fifth Captain snapped to attention, "you do?"

"Of course!" Kuu chirped. "Kuu, we're infused with all the common information of the living world so we can imitate our Shinigami better!"

"Of course, of course." The constant beeping of horns were starting to grate on his nerves and this sudden smartarse of a Mod Soul was trying to make him look stupid. It was all Gin's fault, he huffed.

"Kuu, sooo, for example! If I put my foot down on this pedal, like, _really _hard we'd go '_whooooooosh' really_, really fast!"

"Don't you dare!"

Kuu slowly looked over to the other man with a devious smile that looked like one of Ichimaru Gin's best. "Floor it?"

"No!"

"_Floor _it?"

"_No_!"

"FLOOR IT!"

"Noooo!"

* * *

He added built-up areas to the list of things that annoyed him the most. It was pretty high up there too; just behind Hinamori Momo and sunlight. He'd been too caught up in the moment before he'd realised Shinso had not only sliced through that dirty tramp but the nearby buildings too… now poor Shinso was stuck. The poor thing'd gone through _four _entire apartments before coming to a stop. And the _worst _thing was that he couldn't get Shinso to retract again so _he'd _had to pass through those four flats himself. Ohh, the things some people did with pineapples… 

It'd never be the same looking at one again.

Nonetheless, like a good master he'd persevered through pineapple perversion and found himself balanced precariously on the face of a big billboard advertising… something, and trying to yank Shinso from the big ugly woman's face. He certainly wasn't expecting to see his happy-rainbow car speeding through the street below him…

"… _GiiiIIIIIIIiiiinnnn_…!"

Oh. That was Aizen's girlish scream as it went by. Wow, if he'd know the thing could go that fast he'd have floored it himself, if only to hear Aizen scream - that was always great.

And if he even knew what flooring it meant…

Best get down there fast.

* * *

"You psycho! Stop nooow!" 

"Hahahah!" Kuu laughed hysterically as the car raced forwards through the oddly empty streets.

If Aizen hadn't have been so caught up in his terror he'd have realised the reason the streets were empty were because they were heading straight for the-

"Oh my Menos, stop!" Aizen howled as Kuu slammed the breaks on.

The car carried on down the wooden walkway in the shipyard, it's tyres screeching painfully and ripping up the walkway as it hurtled towards the sea. After a lifelong moment the car jolted to a halt whilst effectively depositing Aizen through the windscreen.

Kuu scrambled from the smoking vehicle as Gin shot up next to him. They both watched and waited for anything else but bubbles to emerge from the water. When it finally did Kuu greeted the Captain with; "kuu, hey! You found the way out!"

Gin jerked his thumb at the car. "It says on the back of 'ere this is a Nissan Micra!"

Aizen spurted out a stream of water. There was no way one could look nonchalant in a situation like this.

Shit.

* * *

**A/N: **Lawl, I love Aizen, Gin and Tosen. Always seem to go for the characters that don't have all that much fan stuff around them compared to most… poor Tosen. Not that he was in this anyway but, haha. 

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Aizen wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He also doesn't use honourifics in private 'cause he's egotistical like that. Naughty.


	2. Day Two

**A/N:** Some shameless pilfering from _That Mitchell and Webb Look _and _Monty Python _this time around. And it's obvious if you're seen the waiter sketch from either, haha. I'm such a sucker for sketch shows and putting characters in the actor's roles.

**Author: **Yoru Ryu  
**Rating: **K/ PG -13  
**Listening To: **Lollypop -- Mika  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. There'd be a helluva lot more Aizen, Gin and Tousen in if I did!  
**Warnings: **Silliness, madness, OOCness, whatever ya wanna call it.

**Just Another Day with Gotei Thirteen  
**_Day Two_

It was strange for the tenth division office to be empty for two particular reasons. One; the division captain seemed to have a strange affection with paperwork and did it as often and as much as possible, (or at least that was Matsumoto's assumption), and often worked late into the night. And two; there was a distinct lack of Matsumoto passed out on the divan under the window.

The first particular reason didn't exist in the tenth division captain's mind so in all actuality there was one thing wrong with the room - the lack of a Matsumoto. Though the woman herself was gone all her paperwork was still laid about unfinished.

Balling his hands Toshiro Hitsugaya walked around the small room picking up all the stray paper and arranging them neatly on the vice captain's desk. But he'd be damned if he were going to do it himself this time! It was time to find Rangiku Matsumoto!

He stalked from his office not caring if he disturbed any of the division members and headed straight for the outer regions of Soul Society. He knew she wouldn't go too far into her old territory but far enough for the people to be fun.

It was the dead of the night and it took him no time at all to reach the next district; the thirty-second, but as he rounded a corner the familiar reitsu of one of the most annoying people in Soul Society flared up as he ran into it. He knew who it was even if said person was hiding most of it.

"Ahh, it's a little late fer kittens t' be runnin' around, ain't it?"

Hitsugaya ground his teeth before composing himself and whirling around to face Gin Ichimaru. "Ichimaru taicho," he regarded the older captain. "I'm in a hurry," he stated coldly as he walked past the fox.

"Lookin' fer Ran-chan?" Ichimaru asked with an innocent tone. Hitsugaya turned back to look at him suspiciously. "Dun worry, I am too."

"Why are you looking for Matsumoto so late?" Hitsugaya asked with a glare. The third division captain frowned at that.

"Aww, do ya think o' me so lowly? It's nuthin' like tha'. I was jus' bored an' Izuru is out. No' many people out this late usually 'cept Ran-chan. Ya must've 'ad the same idea as me!" he announced happily, clasping his hands.

Hitsugaya inwardly cringed at the thought of thinking alike with the other captain. "Have you seen her?"

"Nope."

He waited for the man to say something else but nothing came and it looked like nothing would for quite some time. "Okay then," he said as he made to leave again.

"We could look together," Ichimaru started again. Hitsugaya swore he did it to annoy him… no, scratch that. He _knew _he did it to annoy him so he turned back.

"Why would we want to do that?"

Ichimaru put a finger to his lips in thought, " I 'eard Tousen taicho say 'is 'isagi was goin' out with Ran-chan tonigh'.

"If you know she's busy then why are you still looking for her?" Hitsugaya questioned.

"Didn' I sey?" the third division captain looked confused. "I'm bored an' jus' lookin' ou' for the wellbein' of a friend."

"Of course you are," Hitsugaya mumbled. "Did you hear were they went?"

"O' course! They wen' t' a restauran' in the noble's qua'ers."

The ice element captain boggled. "Then why the hell are you here?"

"Dunno, it jus' looks kinda pretty 'ere, eh?"

_It's like talking to a small child_, Hitsugaya mused with an annoyed sigh, and despite his better judgement decided to go along with the other captain. At least with two of them they could drag her back kicking and screaming.

It was time to crash Matsumoto's date.

_

* * *

_

Matsumoto and Hisagi had taken to a fancy restaurant in the noble district. The ninth division vice-captain had chosen this particular place for it had an impeccable reputation for snootiness and what better way to woo a lady than to show off status and financial standings… even though they were both vice-captains and received pretty much the same treatment anyway. It was the principle that counted. Was that Kuchiki in the corner?

He sat neatly in his dress robes, hands folded and gazed at Matsumoto as her eyes browsed the menu. She looked over the menu at him almost teasingly. "This is nice," she smiled.

"Yeah, it's great to be among normal people for once. It's nice to see how we've come up in the world," he added as the soothing music in the background washed over them like a cool sea breeze.

Matsumoto giggled and pronounced her chest as she did so. "I think I've decided what I want," she mentioned as she saw a waiter approaching.

"Are you ready to order, _sir_?" Ichimaru asked as he came up to the pair disguised in a waiters uniform and a fake moustache.

Hisagi started at the sudden appearance. "Oh, sorry, mate. I haven't had a good chance to look at the menu," with being too busy not trying to stare at the delicious cleavage presented to him, "can we order a bottle of the house red?"

"I saw you in here last week. I saw you drinking your soup. I saw you slurping and ripping and dunking your bread. We were all watching you from the kitchen and we all thought you were a _dick_," Ichimaru stated viciously, ignoring the order.

Hisagi and Matsumoto gaped at each other like carp. "I-I-uh… I can't believe you talk to customers like this!" Hisagi stammered.

"And I can't believe you're continuing with this. You _know _I can destroy you," Ichimaru replied turning to a nearby dinner trolley. It was like two birds with one stone - verbally attacking the ninth division vice undercover as a pompous waiter and driving men away from his Rangiku. Fun too. "Observe my trolley; these are my weapons." Laid out on said trolley were several eating utensils and exotic dishes. He took a bowl with a small puddle of red liquid at the bottom and set it in front of Matsumoto.

He continued; "I shall be recommending the consommé which as every shinigami cadet knows, providing your academy wasn't _free_," he sent a potent glare at Hisagi, "should be consumed only with a _fork_! It's all in the wrisssst!" he hissed at Matsumoto who carefully took the offered fork.

"And for sir; crab! Which you're supposed to tackle using _this_!" he thrust a spoon at the male vice captain. "Make sure you kill it right or it's _poisonous_! Off you go," he motioned for them to start eating.

Both the vice captains looked vaguely at their dishes before looking at each other under the dangerous gaze of a disguised Ichimaru. Timidly they reached out for the others' utensil. "You're not allowed to swap!" Ichimaru barked.

"All right, that's it! I've had just about enough of you talking to us like this!" Hisagi shouted putting his spoon down. "I want to see the manger!"

"_You _want to see the manager?" Ichimaru scoffed at the request. "How could I possibly introduce _you _to the manager? You don't comb your hair, you're covered in tattoos and you hold your zanpakuto like a _pen_!"

"The manger, now!" Hisagi reiterated loudly. Matsumoto put her face in her hands.

"If _sir _insists!" Ichimaru snarled and shouted towards the back of the restaurant. "Hey, Onrei!"

After a few moments delay a small figure stormed over to their table to stand next to the masquerading waiter. Onrei apparently. Hitsugaya looked up from under his tall chefs hat at the pair on their date.

"This man has been hurling abuse at us from the moment he arrived!" Hisagi explained while foregoing an introduction with the chef… slash manager.

"You bastards!" Hitsugaya shouted at the pair after a moment of consideration. "You vicious heartless bastards! I've worked my fingers to the bone to run this place, and you come in with your petty, petty accusations about my humble staff? Are you trying to grind my business into the dirt!? Oh, it makes me mad!"

"Mad!" Ichimaru echoed.

"Makes me mad!" Hitsugaya shouted again.

Both the vice captains stared wide-eyed, once again not believing what was happening.

"Fine! If it will appease you I shall sack the entire waiting staff!" Hitsugaya growled at the tattooed vice captain. "No! Sack the entire cleaning staff and everyone under my employ here!"

Ichimaru feigned a shocked and desperate expression. "But we've all worked so hard to get this place off the ground! Now we're a success you can't lay us off! You'll only destroy yourself, Onrei. We all love you too much to see you do that to yourself!"

"I'm afraid it can't be avoided any longer," Hitsugaya threw his hands up. "This patron has destroyed our modest attempts at making a living. Our selfless forays into serving delicious dishes from around the world to those around us! Our attempts at bringing pleasure to those unable to venture far from their homes! But that's all over now, thanks to this kind gentleman pointing out a small flaw in our humble system," he finished up head bowed with a sniff.

Hisagi waved his hands desperately as he felt Matsumoto's disapproving glare burn through his skull. "N-no! I-I-I didn't mean for you to-!"

"No, sir! I thank you!" Hitsugaya threw himself at the tattooed man. "You've shown us the error of our ways. No longer shall we strive to serve others without thoughts of our own personal gain. No longer shall we be slaves to our own kindness! No longer shall we help those in need! You, kind sir, have opened our eyes to the light. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my shrivelled black heart. Thank you, sir."

He shook hands with Hisagi jubilantly and turned to leave as Ichimaru made a show of throwing the towel previously hanging from his arm to the floor then following. Feeling the vibrant heat of a venomous glare bore into the back of his head Hisagi was slow to turn and face his date. His caution was not disappointed as a hand slapped him sharply across the face.

He stumbled into a nearby table as Matsumoto glared death at him. "You insensitive jerk! Couldn't keep your comments to yourself, huh? Now you've destroyed these kind people!" and with that she stormed out, her dress flaring around her dramatically.

As he slumped against the table with all the eyes of the other patrons on him he thought he could hear distinctive laughter from nearby. He could count on Byakuya not mentioning this inside work but he'd never be able to bear Matsumoto's piercing eyes in the vice captain's meetings ever again.

He sighed.

Not the best date ever…

… but certainly not the worst.

* * *

**A/N: **Eh, wow. That was rather short. The next one should be much longer (hopefully) since it involves _all _the captains and vice captains, hmm…

But anyway, I'm a needy person so you should **review **on your way out if ya read it! Naughty people.


	3. Day Three

**A/N: **I read a really great fic in the Harry Potter fandom and decided to borrow the general idea of it for this chapter. Because I'm cool like that, yes.

I like writing chapters like this - nice and long with subtle humour and lots of directions! Satire's best but I can't incorporate that well, buuuu.

**Author: **Yoru Ryu  
**Rating: **K/ PG -13  
**Listening To: **Acceptable in the 80s -- Calvin Harris  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. There'd be a helluva lot more Aizen, Gin and Tousen in if I did!  
**Warnings: **Silliness, madness, OOCness, whatever ya wanna call it. Eleventh Division speak.

**Just Another Day with Gotei Thirteen  
**_Day Three_

Hinamori Momo had the best ever birthday present for Hitsugaya Toshiro. The best. Ever. She was sure of it. Her Captain, Aizen, had given her leave for the Living World after she'd continued to passively aggressively torment him for days on end - and was pleased that that had resulted in his acceptance of her departure.

Taking a small team of three; consisting of herself, Abarai and Kira (with permission of their respective Captains - wittingly or not since Kuchiki point-blanked anyone that early in the morning and wild boars couldn't wake Ichimaru) she took the brochure of _The World _the Thirteenth Captain had acquired, for some reason or other, and headed the operation.

Thus, at the end of the very tiring and confusing day, she'd ended up with a peculiar little box-like object wrapped up in blue and white wrapping paper. The clerk in the shop had assured her it was a very popular device that all the kids were using. Apparently it was some kind of game, but it didn't look like any type of game she'd ever played before, but shrugged it off. If it was popular with children then Shiro-kun would love it too! She was sure!

Holding it like a china doll she gently placed it on the cabinet underneath the window in her small-yet-quaint room and looked at it fondly. Frankly, she was getting a little tired of competing with Matsumoto over gifts for the small Captain, but this time she was _so _in!

Her staring affair with the inanimate object was shortly interrupted as she sensed the familiar warmth of her Captain approaching and turned to her door. No sooner had she slid it open then did Aizen's bespectacled face appear. He looked at her and smiled.

"Did you get what you needed?" he inquired with a kind voice.

Hinamori beamed at him. "Yes, taichou! Thank you for letting me go."

"It was no problem. I'm sure Hitsugaya-taichou will enjoy whatever it is you got for him." And he was also delighted he didn't have to get the boy anything other than the obligatory well-wishes people gave one on ones birthday.

"I hope he will," Hinamori said in a decidedly shyer voice. "Was there something you needed, taichou?"

"Ah, yes. Matsuri Koibi has finally fallen through the walkway he so often prowls. We're trying to get him out but it's proving difficult since he's rather hysterical. We're hoping you can calm him down so we can get him out." He left the explanation open-ended as a subtle order for her to help.

The Lieutenant nodded and ran from the room. The wooden walkway around the Fifth Division living areas had always been on the dilapidated side so it was only a matter of time before the blonde fourth-seat man fell through it as he preyed on pretty girls during the evenings.

As he was about to leave as well a small shine of something caught his eye. Stepping a little further into the room he looked around for the flash again and caught it as the tree branches outside shifted letting the sun shine across a small, smartly wrapped present.

He knew he shouldn't have walked further into the room and he also knew he shouldn't have picked up the present. Also knowing than the massive amounts of curiosity his former Lieutenant had possessed had rubbed off on him (much to his dismay) didn't help either. All he saw himself doing was picking up the small box, by a corner of paper Hinamori had neglected to sellotape down, and dangling it in front of his face.

Say, for example, the present fell open while he was holding it then surely he'd have to inspect it to check it hadn't been damaged when it hit the floor. He could blame it on the girl's shoddy wrapping skills. Having thought that he began jiggling the present about.

Steadily progressing from gentle jiggling through rough and then finally violent tossing about, the paper ripped apart and the object dropped to the floor. All as planned. He stooped down to pick it up and examined it. What appeared to be a small box with a plastic screen in a disgusting shade of pink lay resting in his hand.

He poked at a button on the thing and it actually had the _audacity _to BEEP at him! He dropped it, startled, as it continued BEEPING. Quickly he smothered it with his haori and hurried to his room. Once safely hold-up in his own rooms and free of any intrusion by his Lieutenant, he brought forth the BEEPING thing and examined it.

Banging it on the wall didn't make it stop, and nether did crushing it in his hands. Throwing it across the room then trying to bite it also yielded the same non-result. A little weary he prodded at the small button next to the one he'd originally pressed and it stopped. Of course! How simple! Why hadn't he thought of that earlier? But instead of lying quietly as it had before the screen lit up and he saw… himself? What?

A little characterisation of himself from the waist up appeared on the right-hand side of the screen. The background was of his personal rooms. It looked exactly like him, and though he was loathe to admit it, it was quite scary - yet he couldn't tear his eyes away. However he did drop it again when a perfect likeness of Hinamori popped up on the left side of the screen. Both the images looked at each other and the BEEPING started again.

Oh no! Had Hinamori caught him? Why, oh why hadn't he just stayed in her room with it, then he could have made up a few excuses as to why he was messing around with it. Having being in his own quarters with it made excuse-making a little more restricted in the _Reality Section_.

After a moment of not much happening he deduced he hadn't been found out and took the device in hand again. There was some text on the screen from a speech bubble the image Hinamori had spouted;

"_Good morning, taichou! I made us breakfast. Matsuri is ill so he asked me to do it. I tried something new - I hope you enjoy it!"_

A little hesitantly he pushed the first button again and the bubble disappeared. The BEEPING started again and he noticed it only BEEPED when the writing on the screen was scrolling across. Ah. It gave him three options.

CRUSH HER SPIRIT  
THROW IT IN HER FACE  
LEAVE

Good choices. None he would dare do in real life for fear of being discovered, but ones he'd just love to try out. As much as he'd liked to have chosen the second option it just seemed too childish for someone of his grandeur so he went with the first one;

"_I'm afraid I'd rather eat from the remains of an Eleventh Division training wreak than choke down any of your poison. Good day."_

Image-Hinamori immediately burst out into floods of tears, and it brought a proud smile to his face and a gratified feeling in the pit of his stomach to see it. Shortly after her image faded away, still balling, a new character came up. Ichimaru. The background also changed to outside his office in the Fifth Division gardens. The BEEPING started again as Ichimaru began talking - the thing even had his dialect correct. It was a shocking device! He read the new text;

"_Ahh, Aizen-sama, I'm bored! Kira-kun's all workin' and Ran-chan booted me outta 'er office."_

Pretty believable dialogue, though he had to admit that image-Ichimaru had chosen both his Lieutenant and the Tenth Division Lieutenant before himself was a kick in the teeth. He thought he'd trained the boy better than that. Nonetheless three new options came up.

MANIPULATE  
MOLEST  
SCHEME TOGETHER

The first option was and always would be a constant work-in-progress, the second could be achieved any time of the day, week, month and whenever he felt like it, but the third option was probably the most tricky. As Captains, in theory it was meant to grant more freedom, though in reality it restricted them to desks or Hollow's foreheads or the dreaded, numerous meetings Yamamoto seemed fixated on so. That and the fact his former Lieutenant had a bad (nice?) habit of jumping him randomly didn't leave them with much free time in which to plot.

"_Ahhhh…!"_

He smirked at the results the second option yielded as Ichimaru reacted as he normally would…

"Eeeiiiigg!"

He jumped at the real shriek that echoed around the offices. Real Hinamori's real shriek when real Ichimaru tried once again to stab real Shinso in her hair-bun - he could tell that's what had happened as Hinamori always let out a certain shriek. It was sort of a cross between a scream and surprised gurgle. Never failed to amuse him. He heard a loud uproar as the door to his rooms slid open from, he assumed, all the people helping Matsuri as the Third Division Captain had obviously made a scene of it.

Before he could hide the pink device Ichimaru burst in his door, arms held out wide. "Aizen-sama!"

"Didn't bother to knock then?"

"Nope." He dropped his arms and peered at the pink object, "wha's that?"

It started to BEEP again as someone on the screen appeared to be talking but he was too busy trying to remain inconspicuous to the other Captain to look.

"Wha's that beepin' noise? Are ya havin' a heart attack, Aizen-sama?"

True, he did have a pain shooting down his left arm but that was because he was crushing the small pink thing very hard to keep his temper sated.

"No."

"Okay then."

"Now, I was going to-"

"Aizen-taichou!" He was cut off as Hinamori came rustling in, hair exploded from the bun. She was on the verge of angry tears of embarrassment when she spoke; "Aizen-taichou, I'm so sorry for coming in unannounced, but Ichimaru-taichou just assaulted me!"

"I did not!" Ichimaru looked affronted.

"You just _stabbed _me, taichou!"

"Only in the hair," he reasoned like it was fine.

"'_Only in the hair'_!?" She held back the tears with a brave reserve.

"Wah, blame the person who drew a target on it."

"It had a _target _on it!?"

"Or… maybe I was jus' imaginin' it."

"… why do you only ever pick on me?"

Ichimaru waved his hands defensively. "Tha's not true. I pick on Kira-kun an' Hitsugaya-taichou. An' Kuchiki-taichou too."

"Hey, hey. Come along now." Aizen came between the pair to pat their shoulders… and discreetly get rid of Hinamori's birthday gift to Hitsugaya in the other Captain's haori without him noticing. "Just go outside and cool down."

He'd be damned if _he _were the one to be caught with it. At least the beeping had stopped.

As the two left he could breathe a sigh of relief that he was out of the danger zone. It had been bad enough having his Lieutenant trailing him for days on end just to get the damn thing in the first place! He caught snippets of their hushed conversation on the way out.

"Ya are such a tattle," Ichimaru whispered.

"You're a bully, taichou," Hinamori whispered back with a stern face.

"Che, I'll get ya after," the Third Captain replied in an equal whisper before sweeping from the room and leaving the girl with a slightly scared look.

Aizen sighed in relief again.

* * *

Kira Izuru had heard the prolific screaming from his friend across two Divisions and immediately knew what had happened. Hinamori had such a unique shriek whenever his Captain decided to harass her. Though he was torn between the two he thought she should be used to it by now. Seriously. He was used to the Captain harassing him… mostly.

He supposed only Renji had escaped the dramas that happened between the Third and Fifth Divisions (and occasionally the Tenth as well) on a regular basis, but then he also had his own problems with a Captain who had a zanpakutou permanently stuck up his arse. As much as Izuru liked some peace and quiet the constant strained silence would overpower him and he'd probably faint dead away. So he was thankful Ichimaru-taichou kept him awake… honest.

Speaking of which, as he stood outside the Fifth Division gates, he saw his Captain skulking towards him. "Taichou!" he went running over.

Ichimaru ignored him in favour of sulking about something that must have happened while he waited behind. His Captain really was like a child sometimes, but despite that he fell into step behind the other shinigami as Lieutenants were meant to. A sudden BEEPING threw him out of pace.

Ichimaru looked up curiously. "Wha's that beepi-ah!" He recognised that noise…

"Taichou?" Kira asked as he nearly collided with the man as he suddenly stopped. The BEEPING continued.

"Uwaaahh! I'm havin' a heart attack! I'm gonna die! I don't wanna die! Don't let me die, Kira-kun!" He immediately started flailing and panicking. Kira joined him in panicking without complaint.

He waved his arms about. "Oh my! R-really? Oh, no, oh, no! What do I do, what do I do! Ah! I'll go get Fourth! You-uh-you stay here, taichou. Don't die!"

Two anonymous shinigami walked past and took the spectacle in. "What are they doing?" one asked.

"No idea. Looks like some sort of jig," the other replied while staring dumbly. They left as the blonde Lieutenant ran off erratically.

"Oh, wai' a sec," Ichimaru stopped to pat his chest. "no heart attack there. Wonder wha' tha' is…" He watched Kira run off into the distance and began searching for the source of the noise. Though, after making three full 360 degree turns he found the pink device in his haori. "The pink thing! A present from Aizen-sama! … wha's it do?"

He deemed to stare at it a _long _moment before it stopped BEEPING and an image of himself came up on the right of the screen, and laughed - looked just like him. The background on the screen appeared to be the Third office - the same as any other Division office Captains and Lieutenants were required to share. A perfect image of Kira faded onto the screen on the left and began talking to his image.

"_Ichimaru-taichou, please! We have work to do! Could you at least try to keep your half of the office tidy? I-I can't find anything in it…"_

Awww, Kira sure was a neat freak. So endearing! He didn't really understand why the blonde constantly asked him to clean up after himself when the Lieutenant would clean up for him shortly after complaining anyway… though he _did _sometimes get the feeling he was unhappy about it. But whatcha gonna do? Three options came up;

SMIRK  
LEER  
OPEN YER EYES

Hey, it was only a game! What could be the harm in picking the third option? He pressed the button to make the image-him open his eyes to reveal the red (whoever made this did their homework) and the Kira image turned white as a sheet, fainting dead away. He scowled as big flashing 'GAME OVER' filled the small screen.

"Mah!" he threw it to the floor and stormed off, muttering and not turning back as Kira returned with help for his 'dying' Captain.

"Man, Izuru. You're all worried and there's _nothing _here!"

Kira looked around desperately. "But-but! He was here, Renji, I swear!"

The redheaded Lieutenant huffed and crossed his arms. "If someone's having a heart attack then why the hell come get _me_? I can't do anything!"

"I panicked alright!"

"_Augh_, fine, fine," Renji sighed and drooped. "What's that over there? That pink thing."

Kira looked to were his friend was pointing at the floor. "I'm not sure, but it's a nice colour," he watched as the other rolled his eyes. "Maybe we should take it to Twelfth… it doesn't look like anything that would be lying around here naturally. Pick it up, Renji."

"Why me?" the aforementioned glared.

"Because I have to look for Ichimaru-taichou," Kira replied with the determination one would need to find said particular Captain. Then ran off again.

"Damnit," Abarai cursed, walking over to the thing. "This thing looks cursed." He was even more convinced of it's cursed status as it started to BEEP at him as soon as he touched it. After dropping it then picking it up again he examined it and scowled as an image of himself popped up on what was probably the screen. His scowl deepened as his Captain also appeared on it, and scowled yet deeper as Kuchiki started BEEPING at him - then realising it was the writing scrawling across that made it BEEP like that. He read it;

"…"

…

Granted it had only let out a _couple _of BEEPS as there, frankly, wasn't really all _that _much to read. Good. He didn't like reading. He couldn't tell if the image-Kuchiki was ignoring him or not since the characterisations didn't vary in poses much (only expressions), but three options came up to choose from…

PUNCH HIS ARISTOCRATIC FACE  
SRANGLE HIM WITH HIS OWN SCARF  
KISS HIS FEET

Oh good! If he'd hit the button for the first option any harder he was sure his hand would have gone straight through the device! He watched with unbridled joy as his image smacked the other image across the face, hard. Kuchiki started BEEPING again with a livid expression.

"_You uncouth cur! What is going through your mind! Do you honestly assume such behaviour to a superior is acceptable? I can assure you it is not! You will be rightly punished for your transactions. I will see to that personally!"_

Resisting the urge to die laughing he dropped to the floor and laughed his arse off instead. The same two shinigami as before came walking back again and looked at him.

"Is there something about this spot that makes people mental? What's he doing?"

"Probably having a seizure; best leave him alone or he may turn violent," the other nodded to his friend and steered him away quickly.

Abarai suddenly stopped dead at the funny (and uncomfortable) angle he'd been having hysterics in and thought. What if Kuchiki had seen that? Or could see him now! Was it some sort of spying device his Captain had had made to keep an eye on his behaviour? He wouldn't put it past the man - he could be quite sneaky sometimes then never have the balls to admit so. Surely after throwing a punch like that he'd failed horribly! And on top of that the device was pink; another clue that it was Kuchiki's! It matched his final release and bankai… shit!

But no! He was _not _desperately grasping at straws (honest) but… but Kusajishi-fukutaichou had pink hair! Of course that was another perfectly reasonable reason for the pink object to be hers! Besides, little girls liked pink. So, he'd take it to her in the faint hope it was hers and not his Captain's… wish him luck. He swallowed and slowly got to his feet making his way to the Eleventh Division.

* * *

"No, I am not playing Mahjong with you, bastard! Do I look like a man who plays board games! Anyway, you lost half the tiles, dumbarse!"

As Abarai neared the Division gates he was glad his Division wasn't anywhere near this one. It struck him as a little obvious as to why Ukitake had been absent a lot more recently. How any healthy person could get any rest around here was beyond him, let alone the sick man getting any. God only knew what Mayuri did about it… though that was probably best not thinking about. He shuddered.

"How about Solitaire?"

"No! Fuck off!"

"So you're giving up then?"

"I'm not giving up, I'm just not playing!"

"You're giving up then. Great! I win!"

"You did not win! _I'm gonna kill you_!"

Followed by a loud crash. Abarai pushed the gates open and strode in down the beaten path in search of the tiny Lieutenant. As usual he saw her perched on her Captain's back - Zaraki Kenpachi. Being careful about approaching the huge man from behind he cleared his throat loudly.

The pink haired girl was the first to turn around. "Zebra-chan!"

"Kusajishi-fukutaichou," he grinned, pointedly ignoring the nickname. If he denied it she'd main him. Zaraki turned around then.

"Oi, Abarai."

Now how to figure out a way to discreetly turn the pink device over to the pink girl. "I found this and I'm sure it's yours! Take it!" He thrust the object at Zaraki, who automatically held onto it, then dashed away while looking over his shoulder now and then to check no one followed. They watched him go.

"Oohh, what is it, Ken-chan?"

"Uhhhh," he rumbled harshly. He had no idea!

"A present from Zebra-chan!" the pink haired girl giggled. "Open it, open it!

Zaraki turned it over in his hands to examine it. It lay screen-up so he jabbed one of the buttons his finger dwarfed. Yachiru 'squeed' when an image of himself came up - he took up nearly half the little screen.

"Ken-chan looks so small!"

He even had Yachiru perched on his shoulder in the image. Another soon faded up and he gave a confused grunt as it turned out to be Unohana Retsu in a hospital room in Fourth. That did not bode well. He pulled back at the BEEPS it let out as Unohana began talking on the screen. He could hear Yachiru trying to read it over his shoulder and read it himself;

"_Zaraki-taichou. It would be very much appreciated if you could tone down your training sessions and not try to kill so many of your own men. I am the taichou of Fourth and as such have the responsibility to care for all the Divisions, but this is getting beyond ridiculous. Why, just the other day Kuchiki-taichou came to me with terrible heat rash yet I couldn't offer him the assistance he needed with all your Division occupying the rooms…"_

The text just kept coming and coming as the Fourth Division Captain let him brutally have it. The BEEPING was soon going to be engraved in his skull for the rest of his shinigami life. Eventually, and to his great relief, Unohana stopped jabbering on and the thing presented three options to him;

FIGHT HER  
KILL HER  
FIGHT HER THEN KILL HER

"What'cha gonna do, Ken-chan?" his Lieutenant asked eagerly.

He doubted she'd even tried to read all of the image's inane ramblings and was referring to his three options. Great ones at that. He picked the third option quickly without needing to give it much thought. For some reason the idea of fighting the Fourth Captain had always seemed entertaining to him - he couldn't imagine all the tricks she might have up her sleeves. His image replied to her;

"_No, I won't stop. I think I'm gonna go kill some more for you to deal with! Oh wait… WRAHHHH!"_

And she was run through nicely. He jutted his jaw out as GAME OVER flashed over the screen and his pink passenger suddenly wailed.

"Nooo, Ken-chan lost!"

"What is this shit?" he demanded while jostling it about. The BEEPING began again and the same scene was presented. Unohana began talking again;

"_That's wasn't very nice of you, Zaraki-taichou. You can't get rid of me that easily. Now I am going to ask you again: will you please refrain from causing so many unnecessary casualties?"_

FIGHT HER  
KILL HER  
FIGHT HER THEN KILL HER

Best to just finish her off quickly this time, so option two it was.

"_I've already told you, woman, that I can do whatever the hell I want with my Division! Now get out of my way, UWRAAAR!"_

Unohana was done in again but his satisfied grin was blown off as GAME OVER reared it's ugly head again. Yachiru began wailing once more and by now they'd gathered a nervous group of spectators. The same scene replaced the end screen again…

"_I must say, you are quite determined to undermine any form of civility, Zaraki Kenpachi. I find that extremely boisterous of you and feel I should remind you, you are in a hospital - please refrain from killing me again if you would."_

FIGHT HER  
KILL HER  
FIGHT HER THEN KILL HER

So what did they have left? Just option one, so he chose that. But much to his disappointment and Yachiru's horror his image self soon sported several plasters and bruises and a bleeding mouth. He'd lost a fight to Unohana? Options, options!

RUN AWAY  
RUN AWAY  
RUN AWAY

So he ran away in both senses and tossed the pink thing as far as he could. Everyone gathered around him watched as it got smaller and smaller as it whooshed into the horizon. Turning back he silently dared any of the gathered Division members to even breathe too loudly. It took several long minutes till one shinigami caved in and sneezed causing Zaraki to dive into the group with an enraged howl and Yachiru giggling giddily.

* * *

The racket could be heard over several Divisions and the Tenth just happened to be one of them since it was right next door, after all. Hitsugaya Toshiro happened to be sat at his desk in the adjoined Tenth office doing his usual round of paperwork with abandon when a small bullet came crashing onto his desk, doing a good job of knocking the vase over containing the lilies Matsumoto had got him. Some apology for something he wasn't really paying much attention to since all Matsumoto's lazy accidents merged into one big headache.

A small yet glaring pink object looked back up at him from where it had landed. He scowled at it. Scowled at it and tried his best to ignore it. Tried to sweep it off his desk but found his hand picked it up and held it up to himself instead. Damnit.

Pink, with a screen, and two buttons on the front. Not really that interesting. So then why was his finger reacting and pushing the first button? Ah, must be because he wanted the damn thing to stop BEEPING at him, he told himself. Having said that he was still shocked to find himself fade onto the screen. Short and probably the smallest thing to be on the screen. It appeared he was in his office when Hinamori popped up too.

"_Shiro-chan! Me, Renji and Izuru are going out to watch the fireworks, would you like to come too?"_

He could almost hear the pleading in the BEEPING she made. It was also something she had asked quite a few times before too, and usually Matsumoto, Kyoraku, Ichimaru, Ise and Aizen were there too, when they went out. Unfortunately he, more often than not, had far too much work to do. He often wondered how Aizen had the free time to go out with them as he knew both Kyoraku and Ichimaru were slackers so they made it out easy. Soon three options came up to him;

TURN DOWN POLITELY  
TURN DOWN IMPOLITELY  
LEAVE

Since it didn't seem real it and would have been nice to have the option to go with her, he went with the best one of the three - the first.

"_I'm sorry, Hinamori, but I have work to do and-"_

"_Oh! You always 'have work to do'! Other Captains get out perfectly fine except you!"_

"_That's because they work together with their Lieutenants, 'Mori!"_

"_Don't bring Matsumoto into this! It's all your fault, Shiro-chaaaaaaan!"_

He stared wide-eyed at the screen unbelieving as Hinamori ran off crying floods. Phew, good job it _wasn't _real or he'd feel real bad! His image-self looked pretty annoyed though. His image-self looked even more annoyed at the person who faded in next; Ichimaru, smug grin and all.

"_Ahh, Hitsu-chan! Have ya seen Ran-chan abou'? I have sumthin' fer 'er."_

He just adored the three selections it gave him to retaliate with! It didn't seem as if the other Captain was being condescending to him yet but it was probably only a matter of time before he turned. He read over the options again;

KICK HIM IN THE SHIN  
BITE HIM  
KNOCK HIM DOWN THE STAIRS

Okay, the second one could be a little on the ambiguous side so he conveniently glossed over that and focused on the other two left to him. Kicking him would be a more direct approach but after that what else was there to do and how would the older man react? The stairs were less personal but would cause more damage and get the man away from him. Stairs it was then!

"_Eyaaahh!"_

He laughed out loud as the Ichimaru-image fell from the screen. He was still sniggering when a perfect image of Matsumoto came up next and she didn't look happy.

"_How could you, Hitsugaya-taichou!"_

"_How could I what?"_

"_You made poor Hinamori cry and you knocked Gin down the stairs! Really, taichou, why?"_

He wasn't sure why but that made him laugh again. Just the thought of it cracked him up! Whoever made this device was a genius! He wondered where he could get one for himself as he continued laughing.

* * *

After she'd recovered from the hair incident and her Division got Matsuri out of his hole Hinamori had gone to find Matsumoto and 'politely' inquire about the gift the taller woman had gotten Hitsugaya.

Matsumoto held up her gift as they walked to her rooms. "Some kitty-cat undies!" she announced proudly, waving the blue boxers with a cute little kitten face on the front.

"Oh, great!" Hinamori announced with a smile. Her gift was _so _much better this year! They both stopped suddenly as a strange and unusual sound echoed across the walkway, "did you hear that?"

"Yeah, what was it? It sounded like…"

Both the Lieutenants looked at each other then dashed for the Captain's office. Throwing formalities out the window Matsumoto threw the door open and they both saw Hitsugaya immediately stop laughing and spin around to them with a piercing glare.

"Taichou, were you just…"

"… laughing?"

"No, of course not! Don't be ridiculous!" he shouted quite flustered. His eyes tracked Hinamori's as they travelled from his face, down his arm and onto the pink object in his hand

"Shiro-chan! Where did you get that!?" she looked quite distressed all of a sudden.

"It just came flying in here," he explained.

"D-do you like… it?"

"Uhh," he looked at both their faces. Hinamori's a face of weird nervousness and Matsumoto's of barely held back mirth. He knew she knew he'd been laughing at whatever it was the pink thing was. He couldn't have her thinking he had a sense of humour! "No of course not! It's just a stupid device Twelfth probably made. It's completely useless to me!"

To say he was completely taken aback by the way Hinamori really did burst out in violent tears and tear from the room was an understatement. Matsumoto gave him a withering glare and snatched the thing from him to give chase. He sank back in his chair.

Well, it would certainly be an interesting birthday bash tomorrow.

* * *

When night fell Hitsugaya was mildly wondering where the pink thing had gone off to? Did Matsumoto still have it? Or Hinamori now? Had they thrown it away? Damn he really wanted one…

Across at the Ninth Division offices Hisagi Shuhei held a small weird pink thing in his hands and read out what BEEPED across the screen to his Captain, who was only mildly interested. He told the blind shinigami his image was on the right and Komamaru's was on the left and that he had three options to reply with;

THROW HIM A STICK  
SCRATCH HIS BELLY  
HAVE HIM NEUTERED

"… I don't like this game," Tousen announced dully.

* * *

**A/N: **_Koibito_ means _lover_, so Matsuri Koibi is, well, yeah… (laugh). I don't have any OCs with Japanese names so he got thrown in on the spot.

AiGin is my favourite Bleach pair. With HitsuHina and GinRan following closely, so that might explain why I focus on Aizen and Gin so much.

So, drop off a **review** on your way out, please! I really appreciate the ones so far! They keep ya writing, methinks!


	4. Day Four

**A/N: **Aye, this chapter was originally meant to be the last one but I had too much fun with the pink thing (laugh) I'm sorry I can't tell people what it was since I don't know myself! Some sort of game that reads your desires or summat, haha. And technically; if these are days in the life of the Gotei 13 then this chapter should be about Hitsugaya's birthday party since he mentioned it would be "tomorrow" last chapter, so lets just say these aren't in any specific timeline.

**Author: **Yoru Ryu  
**Rating: **K +/ PG -13  
**Listening To: **America -- Razorlight  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. There'd be a helluva lot more Aizen, Gin and Tousen in if I did!  
**Spoilers: **Soul Society spoilers if ya squint.  
**Warnings: **Silliness, madness, OOCness, whatever ya wanna call it. Eleventh Division speak.

**Just Another Day with Gotei Thirteen  
**_Day Four_

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the flowers were blooming and the breeze caressed all. It was on such a day the small and adorable Eleventh Division Lieutenant was in such a foul mood. The girl's pink hair bobbed as she threw herself on the floor successfully decimating a pretty patch of small white flowers. An irritated sigh escaped her.

None, and she meant _none_, of the Shinigami outside her own Division took her seriously. She had _very politely _inquiredKuchiki-taichou for a friendly sparring match and he'd practically trampled over her in his haste and futile effort to hold back his hysterical mirth. That or he could have just been trying his darndest to escape her. Either really.

Sigh.

She pulled a flower from the ground and began ripping the petals from the face. "They take me seriously, they take me not, they take me seriously… they take me not…"

The last petal came with the result of the other Divisions not taking her seriously. Her mind drifted back to various encounters with them; Fifth's Lieutenant snaring her and braiding her short hair with decorative flowers. It was obvious Aizen had left because he couldn't keep his kind smile from breaking out in vicious laughter at her predicament. Tenth's Lieutenant was always trying to organise 'play dates' for her and the icy Captain with the result of said Captain even refusing to be in the same room as her. But still, Matsumoto persisted and often drew in help form the more light-hearted Divisions. Third's Captain offering her as a 'seeing eye dog' to Ninth's Captain. Twelfth's Captain luring her into the science labs with promise of sweets from Thirteenth's Captain… the list went on. Suffice to say she was not amused with their antics and had to extract her revenge upon their souls.

Her private pleas were answered when she stumbled across a large book later that miserably beautiful day. It was easily bigger than her torso and even with being found outside, had a dangerous layer of dust covering it. The large book was leather bound but incredibly thin - she estimated it at on thirty pages long - but the most noticeable thing about it were it's contents; it contained a full-body picture of each Captain and a brief profile on their personality.

She immediately flipped to Ken-chan's profile and confirmed it as correct. Yay!

Swiftly she shuffled away from her own Division (where she'd found it) and into a random one no one would suspect her to be. She settled in a huge field covered with flowers of all colours, scents and sizes and hid herself in a patch that easily towered her in height.

The book was opened at the first page and she found a bookmark and a brush attached to the spine by a long elegant thread. She skimmed over the introductory page;

"_This is the latest version of Gotei 13 Shinigami. As Author of this encyclopaedia of most recent Captains I sincerely hope you enjoy yourself with the information granted to you, and hope you treat this book and the Captains with the utmost respect._

_Please write down any side-effects in the note pages provided at the back. Thank you and enjoy!_

_Signed, U.K"_

What sort of "side affects" could you get from a book? Shrugging it off she grabbed the brush that already seemed welling with black ink and turned another page. The first Captain she could graffiti was obviously;

**- Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryusai - First Division Captain -**

Yachiru looked at the picture of the old geezer. Old, wrinkled, beard, scarred, old. His perfectly realistic picture was splayed across the whole of the right page and script scrawled across the whole left page. She skimmed over that: likes to make dramatic entrances and flairs… voice like a rusted old kettle… thinks he's better than everyone else… bald…. possible pyromaniac…?

It wasn't really all that interesting so she took the brush to the picture. Old, old people were smelly so she drew several flies around his head and stink marks wafting from him…

* * *

Sometimes it was hard to work in the shadow of the great Yamamoto but Sasakibe Chojiro did just that. And as a result he was hardly ever even known to exist let alone actually be noticed. Even the more observant Captains such as Soi Fong, Tousen and Komamaru knew not of his physical existence in their world. Still, he never complained and never spent his free time plotting to usurp his Captain, neither did he consider himself stronger nor better than other Lieutenants, but certainly more privileged. Overall he considered himself a sentient being with a modest nature and a nice moustache.

As he sat at his miniature desk (not even thinking to complain about the size difference compared to Yamamoto's) he turned slightly confused as a strong musty smell assaulted his nose. His brow furrowed as he looked around for the source. Had something crawled into their office and died? Had he forgotten to empty his bin? Sending a glance to the side of his desk confirmed he'd emptied it that morning. Was Yamamoto eating something weird for dinner then?

He almost jerked out of his creaky seat when he looked over at the old man. That's were the smell was! He could tell by the cartoon-y stink marks. _He could tell_. They wiggled about around the old man's head and shoulders as several flies circled. The old man seemed oblivious as he continued to scribble away on the many parchments surrounding him. Should he tell his Captain or make his excuses and leave?

"Ah, ah, ah," he tried in vain to alert the General to the situation but his throat closed up every time he opened his mouth. The stench was just too bad! Even the room turned blurry as tears filled his eyes. H-he had to get out! "Ghughhh…" he made a strangled noise and stumbled frantically from the room.

Yamamoto barley inclined his head as his Lieutenant dashed through the doors. Something fishy was just about to begin… he could _smell _it.

* * *

Yachiru smiled triumphantly at her masterpiece - it was a work of art! He looked _much _better! With great satisfaction the next page was turned causing her to scowl childishly at the next image;

**- Soi Fong - Second Division Captain -**

She was a mean old lady! Not as old as the old man, but still _old_! And mean! Mean old lady! She burst balls, she cracked Frisbees, she put sticks in mud… she even straightened out slinkies!

Her personality page confirmed such things; has a rough personality… fiercely abides by rules… will bite if prodded… holds grudges for long periods of time against certain women… likes to straighten out slinkies…

Mean. Old. Lady. So she deserved to be punished above all others. With that in mind the brush met paper again and the picture of the first female Captain was demoralised.

* * *

There were crumbs everywhere, Soi Fong noted. Crumbs in places she didn't even know she had. And they itched. But she couldn't scratch them and break her air of superiority over her, frankly, huge Lieutenant or he may forget she was there and… well, if that much weight sat on her she wouldn't stand a chance.

It was like being in a hailstorm of crumbs. Thoroughly unpleasant. Why did she let the man stand over her like that? Oh wait, subordinates were meant to stand behind their Captains. So why, she mused, had she chosen this buffoon as her Lieutenant? Had he been forced on her? Had she been in a Yoruichi-induced rage and unwittingly accepted him? Had she been drunk? It baffled the mind why he was there. Oh, it was so long ago, so long ago… the crumbs.

He coughed behind her. She desperately held in the repulsed shudder under her stoic mask. Showing weakness was unforgivable. But-but it was so disgusting! She could feel it on the back of her neck - to think that had just been in the man's mouth! And to top things off he never _ever _closed his mouth while eating! He coughed again, spraying more wet crumbs down on her then returned to his bag of whatever the hell it was.

All right, that was it! Things had gone too far!

Omaeda Marechiyo started as his Captain suddenly rounded on him. He groaned; what had he done this time? He opened his mouth to voice this thought but stopped when the small woman suddenly snapped across the room. Damn! Was it some kind of trick?! He winced sympathetically, however, when she collided with the wall opposite them.

Shaking her head Soi Fong extracted herself from the wall and rose to her feet. " What did you just do!?" she demanded of him with a bewildered tone.

"Nothing!" he replied quickly.

"Of course you did! Why else would I fly acro-" she was cut off again as another invisible force threw her across the room.

Back and forth she went like an overenthusiastic pinball around the room, ricocheting off walls. Each blow she received was accompanied by a very audible "THUMP" or "WHACK" and the like but the assailant remained perfectly hidden each time. Even her best techniques failed in the light of such a skilful attacker. Who could it _possibly _be?

After what felt like an eternity, but was in actuality only a few minutes, the beatings calmed to an almost non-existent state. Only the odd, faint slap across the face remained. Her body seemed covered with welts and dark bruises as she stood on wobbly legs. Much to her almost unconscious dismay she fainted.

Her Lieutenant panicked and would continue to do so for quite some time.

* * *

One last bruise found itself inked onto the image of Soifon as Yachiru leaned back to admire her second masterpiece of the day. The image was practically black and blue with smears and bruises - both front teeth blacked out and hair scribbled into a mass of bird's nests and so forth.

That'd take the meanie down a peg or two. The pink haired Lieutenant hoped the woman never actually saw the book and tracked the graffiti to her though. Those would equal several painful minutes of her life.

She nodded it off - they'd never be able to track it to her, and with that she turned to the next page;

**- Ichimaru Gin - Third Division Captain -**

Ah, the first of only a few Captains who would actually humour her. Though from how the man had treated her the other day that wasn't necessarily a good thing. He'd thrown her Frisbee over two whole Divisions for her to fetch then commented upon her return how he'd always wanted a cute little pink puppy to play with. After she'd bitten him (hard) he'd then mentioned he didn't like little yappy, snappy puppies then destroyed her Frisbee and left.

His personality page also furthered her suspicions; smirks a lot… possibly addicted to toothpaste… not allowed near playgrounds… on the 'Shinigami Neighbourhood Watch List'…weird…

So, for that little discrepancy he deserved to be punished thoroughly.

* * *

Kira Izuru knew his Captain was only pretending to be asleep. When he ended up doing all the older shinigami's work, however, he wondered why the man didn't _actually _sleep. The opportunity was there. He'd left the office three times and each time he came back the man _still _hadn't moved an inch - he had to give it to him; when his Captain decided to play someone he really followed it through.

Annoying as it was. It was no wonder the Third Division was one of - if not _the _- most unpredictable Divisions when their Captain kept messing with their psyches 24/7. If _one _more person commented on how he constantly frowned while his Captain constantly smiled, he'd… ugh.

Emotionally damaged. They all were. Everyone was aware of it, only… too damaged to ever speak up.

That said, Kira could feel himself beginning to crack. He'd been passive aggressive about their paperwork, tried pleading, but his Captain could always outplay him with the old 'puppy-dog eyes' routine… he _still _didn't get how that worked _exactly_…

Enough was enough, he thought as the door to the Third office looked back at him. Clenching his hand into a fist and taking a deep calming breath he put on his best 'angry' face and burst in the door.

"Taichou!" he hollered as loud as a Kira could. The Captain was still face down on his desk and he had to be careful not to be too pushy - last time he'd shouted his Captain had hidden from him for two days.

Hmmm, definitely asleep this time. He would have instantly lost his precarious nerve to continue his charade had it not been obvious his Captain _had _actually moved while he'd been gone. Had moved. Had moved to find and put on some ridiculous fox ears. So, he didn't have time for paperwork yet he had time from dress-up?

Kira snapped.

He picked up the big pile of scrolls then dropped them loudly near the shinigami's head. Ichimaru jerked back the instant they came crashing down. He looked around with what one could assume were bleary eyes then focused on the only blonde in the room.

"Tha' was'n very nice, Izuru…"

"You're lucky. I was aiming for your head," Kira blurted before he could cover his mouth. He blanched as the taller man walked over to him, only then noticing the whiskers and tail. That was some getup.

Ichimaru watched the blonde stare at him. "Wha' ya lookin' at…?" He turned around to look behind himself then turned back with a confused tilt of the head.

"Arrhg, taichou!" With an stressed scream Kira ripped out the whiskers from one side of his Captain's face; then watched in horror as the man seemingly lost his balance and dropped to the floor. "They're real!" he shrieked as the realisation hit him.

Ichimaru threw on a hurt expression while he rubbed his face from the floor. Kira fell into a squat near the man, gesturing his hands above his head, an obvious shame induced blush covering his checks. He watched as his Captain mimicked him only to find the ears and followed Kira's other gestures to find the tail and what were left of some whiskers.

"Uwah! Oh, great, now I'm gonna be walkin' 'round in circles…" Ichimaru figured from the missing whiskers, despite the fact he couldn't even balance long enough to stand let alone walk.

"I'm so sorry, taichou!" Kira practically cried while helping his Captain back to his desk. "I-I'll go get help! Maybe Fourth can do something - or Twelfth! They deal with weird things like this!" Honestly, who spouted animal appendages randomly? He set his Captain down -

"Ow!"

"What? What is it, taichou!?"

"Sat on m' tail…"

* * *

Perhaps it was mean, perhaps it wasn't, but It was sure fun. Yachiru smirked as she examined the kitsune!Gin. Happy with the results she flipped the next page - never once wondering how the brush never ran out of ink - and took in the next Captain;

**- Unohana Retsu - Fourth Division Captain -**

This was certainly a case of "_Never Judge a Book By It's Cover_" as she was fairly certain the medical Captain had a vendetta against any and all shinigami who fell into her care.

Why else would she give them poison?

Sure, Unohana could pass off the liquid as 'medicine' but Yachiru knew the _truth _behind the ploy! Unohana was trying to take over Soul Society one shinigami at a time! Her poison tasted like earwax anyway - and Yachiru _knew _what _that _tasted like.

Her personality page, however, mentioned no such thing, as was to be expected; quiet, quaint and petite… extremely well-spoken… possibly has a secret science lab below Division grounds… beware of Dark Hana… like lollies…

Dark Hana was reason enough why Yachiru didn't dare do anything to deface the image. It may have only been an image, but it was still mega scary! So, with that she moved onto her next victim;

**- Aizen Sosuke - Fifth Division Captain -**

Aizen was nice generally, Yachiru thought, but his Lieutenant had that nasty habit of making those playdates with Hitsugaya. It was a tough choice whether to deface his profile or not… he _did _give her sweets, but then he was like the leader of all those who didn't give her any respect. Humph. And even when he did show her respect at meetings and so forth then it was so forced and sweet it made her teeth drop out. But she did love those sweets…

She decided to read over his personality page to decide for her; gentle and caring… wears stupid glasses…spends inconspicuous amounts on hair gel… wears his haori like an old man…has stupid glasses…

Yes, he deserved to be punished just for the glasses alone! She whipped the bush across his image to draw on a crude giant nose and thick moustache…

* * *

For this year's garden competition the Fifth Division were sure to win, Aizen mused as he took his daily strole through the gardens of his Division. He'd had every member capable of sitting in soil for longer than ten minutes getting down and dirty. Of course, _he _did nothing more than walk about among them looking busy and important.

And why shouldn't he look important? He was the strongest Captain of all the Divisions (even if no one knew so yet) and he could easily put his fist down Yamamoto's throat and pull out his spleen to show him whilst he died. Or he could stick his foot so far up Kuchiki's arse he could kick the man's tonsils out.

Such thoughts were entertaining and brought a sadistic smile to his lips that people would interpret as a gentle, heart-warming expression. He didn't understand how people saw that (especially when he wasn't even using Kyouka) so it was best to just roll with what people gave you. Aizen considered himself very generous that way.

He turned his deceptively pleasant smile on his lieutenant as she came running over. "Aizen-taichou! Have you come to see how well we're doing?"

Ah, Hinamori. Ever the optimist. "Of course, Hinamori-fukutaichou. You're all doing a splendid job."

The girl beamed at him, her pride swelling before she slumped and put a hand to her mouth. "Taichou, we've been seeing some other Division members sneaking around though…"

"Oh yes?" he decided to play dumb. "Well, maybe they've come to admire the show we're putting on."

"No, taichou! It's not like that," Hinamori whispered urgently and ushered some other people closer. "Matsuri, who did you see lurking around?"

"I saw Ichimaru-taichou lurking around a few days ago, and he looked _too _happy," the blonde whispered nervously.

Aizen waved the man off. "Ichimaru's always around here, and he's always happy, always smiling - sometimes to make myself feel better I pretend he's retarded."

"But, taichou!" Hinamori pressed, "yesterday I saw Ukitake-taichou wandering around too!"

"Haha, Hinamori," he said 'lovingly', "I hardly feel anyone can think Ukitake-taichou suspicious." He'd have to learn the man's secrets on that matter. "Don't fret so. We'll deal with anything that may arise when and if it does."

That settled it! He'd have to pay a visit to the Thirteenth and Third Divisions and knock the Captains around the room… _in two entirely different ways_. He'd be damned if he came _second again_! Fourth had been winning the competition for the past fifty years and he wasn't sure about the other Divisions, but he was _sick _of it. Especially when it was clear who was superior in all aspects of life, death and the afterlife!

That'd be Aizen, by the way. We'll have no confusion on that.

Besides, it wasn't fair! He worked so hard when he could just use an illusion… actually, one year he _had _used an illusion but still Fourth had won. Damnit, someone needed a zanpaktou that could control people directly, not in his round-a-bout way. Or maybe, Yamamoto was just a really, _really _bad judge. If Tousen weren't biased to him he'd have him do it - at least that way they'd have a _completely _impartial judge. But… that was stupid. Along with Eleventh, Tousen's Division always came last.

He shook his head to dispel such infantile thoughts and refused to pout. Sweeping past Hinamori after patting her head, he continued his walk of the gardens, scowling down at the backs of those he deemed not working hard enough. One day he hoped to set one alight just by glaring.

It was good to have aspirations. Although he'd once made the mistake of asking what his comrades' aspirations were and suffice to say; they'd scared the hell out of him. Who would've imagined Tousen could be so descriptive?

He wandered further along the pebbled path and away from the fountain and the irritating trickle it constantly made, across a large patch of wild flowers he'd ordered be left alone - a bit or natural beauty was good for the soul (and competition) amongst all the manmade flower displays. He chuckled to himself, an oxymoron. He cracked himself up sometimes.

All the flowers stunk though, ugh. When he was ruling Soul Society he'd have _no _flowers around _at all_. In fact, if he could have his dream location it'd be in a desolate desert free from living beings and their stupidity - though he guessed he'd still have Gin and Tousen tagging along no matter where he went.

He took in a heavy irritated sigh, surprising himself by sneezing violently afterward. Shaking his head he suddenly realised the stench of the flowers had intensified vastly. Oh, fantastic. What had Hinamori done to them now? He turned around to call her over.

At first she trotted over happily, but slowed and grew more and more confused with each step towards him. "Taichou?"

She looked at him and he looked at her. She looked at him confused and he looked at her expectantly. They both stared with their patented expressions. "Hinamori-fukutaichou, what have you just done?"

She continued to stare at him. Since when had her Captain had such a sense of humour to impulsively put on a novelty set of thick glasses (the same as his normal ones of course, because she _knew _he was a dork), a fake bulbous nose and thick bushy moustache? And to keep a serious face on top of that was genius. Her Captain was amazing!

Aizen turned horrified as his Lieutenant doubled over laughing. He inhaled to shout at her, but caught himself on a sneeze.

And what a sneeze it was. Another sneeze followed that, then another and another. Yet more came after those and on their tail even more. By the time he'd stopped he was only vaguely aware of where he was and completely unaware of how he was even standing, tears welling in his eyes.

And still Hinamori laughed at his plight. He was so confused.

* * *

There, that should do it, she giggled as she finished making the moustache overly bushy it could probably come alive and second. And she didn't feel bad about it either! So long as he never found out she'd done such a thing to his image then he'd continue to give her sweets. Such genius!

Though, that sudden sneezing near her had surprised her, but she'd hidden her squeak well and laid low till it had stopped and silence had reigned again. All was well.

With a big grin she flipped the page only to scowl at the next image.

**- Kuchiki Byakuya - Sixth Division Captain -**

It was a weird face to make when facing Kuchiki - she wanted to squeal _and _scowl… was there such thing as a 'sqowl'? She thought not. He was outright mean to her but he was so cute! But he was like that with everyone she'd noticed, so she guessed she shouldn't feel so bad… but still!

She read his personality page to find out if he _actually _had one; NO INFORMATION COLLECTED

So basically he didn't have a personality… she 'sqowled' at that then took brush in hand to graffiti his page.

* * *

His Captain was such a prissy -! There wasn't a word invented for what his Captain was, but if there were then his Captain was one!

Once again he'd been 'dismissed' from the office to do his paperwork and he was trying to remain nonchalant and as inconspicuous as possible about that. But, it was an incredibly hard thing to do when one's desk was out in a public hallway; and when one's desk took up the whole width of said hallway.

And when his own Division members had to climb over the desk _and _himself to get past. Literally.

They tried to avert their gaze as he fiddled with some leaves of paper. Didn't work so well, he noted, as he desperately held back the vicious flush from his face. It would be best _not _to turn the colour of his hair.

He sighed as another pair of shinigami Sixth Division members clambered over him - one using the back of his head as a foothold. When he was Captain he'd never treat his subordinates in such a demeaning way. No. No, the only requirement he'd issue were the necessity of completely random tattoos.

Because he was Abarai Renji; and he liked tattoos.

Although, if he were completely honest with himself… he wasn't _actually _sure were his tattoos kept coming from. He'd just wake up in the morning and discover a new zebra-like scrawl across his skin! At first he'd assumed someone was pulling a trick on him (several names came immediately to mind) but after a week or two none had faded, yet more had appeared!

Then he'd considered it a rare (and stylish) form of skin affliction. A disease of some sort? But he didn't feel sick, or itchy (Soi Fong itched a lot - maybe she had the same problem but on a smaller scale. He'd have to ask), neither did he-

"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, Abarai-fukutaichou! I didn't mean to-"

Abarai waved the woman off as she'd slipped over his shoulder to land in a heap on his desk. She scampered off quickly while he cleared his throat loudly. Now, were was he? … oh, crap! He couldn't remember. Something about… his Captain being a bastard. There! That was a good word! A prissy bastard. Yes, that'd do.

Now all he had to do was make some posters. No! No, best not… what was he thinking? No way in hell he could get away with that.

Damn his Captain making him sit out in the hall. Was the man angry because he had longer hair? Oh well, all his paperwork was done so he could turn it in to the Captain then finally leave and hang out with Kira or someone.

He turned around in his seat to find himself at the office door immediately. After knocking politely on the frame he waited for the acceptance but came away with a cold feeling. So, once again, his Captain was ignoring him again? He couldn't do that when there was work to be done, the _prissy bastard_!

… heheh, he'd have to copyright that. So smart…

But anyway! With a growl he whipped the door to the side and barged into the room. "Taichou, I-!" and immediately stopped his outburst when he realised the entire room was bathed in darkness. It wasn't even night but all the blinds were down and all the candles snuffed out. However, from the dim light seeping in from the hallway he could make out the faint outline of his Captain's back.

As he flipped the light switch on someone started shouting at him; "ahh! You blithering idiot! Warn people when your turnin' on the lights!"

He stood stupefied. That wasn't Kuchiki.

His Captain then turned around solemnly; he could see the speaker plainly now. And apparently it was the Captain's hair ornament. One segment had a _very _angry look on it's beady face.

"What ya lookin' at, boy?" it snarled.

"W-w-wha'?" he stumbled, staring at the thing.

Suddenly another face popped up from another segment. "Noah Wei! Be nice to the child!"

"Shut your mouth, Daphne Nitly!"

"Come, along. The poor thing is obviously confused, let's be pleasant; it's such a nice day after all. What do you think, May Bee?" The middle segment made a non-committed noise in reply..

"W-w-w-Taichou?" he tried again.

Kuchiki sighed and motioned to his hair ornament. "Allow me to introduce Daphne Nity, May Bee and Noah Wei." He motioned to each one respectively, "they just… came around a few minutes ago."

Abarai stared. How could his Captain keep such a straight face and speak so evenly when his accessories were _alive_!? "Taichou," he said slowly, "what's going on?"

"None of your concern, Abarai. It will be dealt with. Now, turn in your work and leave."

"My, God. You have terrible handwriting," the bad-tempered segment stated as he handed his paper and scrolls over. "Yeah, go on. Sling yer hook!" it barked as he motioned to leave.

This was so wrong, he mused as he slowly left, and while he climbed over his desk to get down the hallway he was sure he heard his Captain scream followed by jeering laughter.

* * *

That did it. She didn't want to be too horrible lest he pull some noble crap on her and have her executed. The three beady faces on his hair ornament should be enough; one angry, one happy and one neither.

Deeming to leave Kuchiki well enough alone she turned the next page.

**-Sajin Komamaru - Seventh Division Captain -**

Komamaru sat on her once. That more than enough reason not to deface his things. Even more so than Unohana, which was saying something.

She still decided to read about his personality though; likes fuzzy things… has a great deal of morals… has good insight… likes buckets… and the beach… and sticks…?

Moving swiftly along, she came face-to-face with;

**-Shunsui Kyoraku - Eight Division Captain -**

She remembered what he'd told her not two days ago. Hmm. Why was it so important she grew up like Matsumoto fast, then went to him to help with his 'little problem'?

She didn't know what to make of the big flirt even after reading through his personality; very good fun… secretly enjoys flower arranging… flirts with everyone… has many questionable outfits… is hairy all over…

Nope, still didn't know what to make of him, so she doodled some sloppy question marks around his head.

* * *

"I don't like this game," Ise Nanao could hear her Captain complain as she read through the latest Seireitei Bulletin articles of not much interest.

"Come on, Shunsui. It's a good game," the smile in Ukitake's voice was almost audible. "It's chess." Maybe he'd picked the wrong person to play with afterall.

Kyoraku mulled it over. "How about… we play strip chess!" he said while still facing his fellow Captain but fully addressing his Lieutenant. Nanao tightened her grip on the article to sate her temper.

"No, no," Ukitake waved his hands defensively, "that would defeat the purpose of a nice calming game that last for hours."

"Hours!?" Kyoraku blurted then slitted his eyes to look suspiciously at the two others in the room. "Are you two trying to keep me away from something?"

"Of course not!" Ukitake said entirely too fast and with a nervous smile. Nanao continued to ignore them - she was only there for backup anyway. "Come on, I'll let you win."

"Not the point!" the floral-clad Captain whined. "What am I missing? Why are you keeping me here? Is it something good? Ohh, I wanna gooooo, Nanao-chaaaaan!" The Lieutenant tightened her grip on the paper even tighter as was visible as her nails cut through it and into her palms.

"Look, you just move your pawn," he caught the look the overly-enthusiastic Captain sent him and reiterated; "_pawn _here.

Kyoraku snorted, "you can move your porn anywhere you want, Jushiro. I don't mind." No one could top his collection as far as he were concerned. Ukitake's head hit the table. "What's this horse for?"

"That's a knight…."

"So, you can only move it at night then?"

"For GOD'S SAKE, Taichou!" Nanao suddenly rounded on the pair, eyes burning. "It's a game! It involves pawns, Bishops, knights, Kings, Queens! It's a highly intellectual game! It last for hours, days even! It's played around the world! IT'S A GAME!"

Both Captains blinked as she came down.

"I already knew it was a game," Kyoraku mumbled before he was knocked to the floor by vase.

Ukitake laughed light-heartedly, "good shot!"

Nanao took the praise before settling back down in her seat. For several moments they sat in silence - once smiling, one scowling, but both waiting for the flamboyant Captain to sit back up. They soon found themselves slightly disappointed (for different reasons) when the man didn't get back up. Ukitake slowly leaned over to look down at his friend.

"Shunsui? Is everything okay?" was his question of which the answer was glaringly obvious. No, Shunsui wasn't okay, but it still felt like the right thing to ask in such a situation. "I think he hit his head on the sideboard on the way down," he spoke to the Lieutenant.

"Good," Nanao huffed, but her eyes betrayed her.

Ukitake moved to lean over his friend and decided the best course of action was to splash the water from the damaged vase in the unconscious man's face. Of course, a good slap would probably wake him up but he'd leave the physical stuff to Nanao. Best to try the water first so he upturned the vase over Kyoraku.

The man sat up abruptly, coughing and sputtering. "W-what just happened?"

"Nanao just threw a vase at you," Ukitake explained. Apparently he had no qualms with tattling on people either.

"Why would she do that?"

"Because you were being an idiot?" Ukitake suggested through a smile. "It was either that or I was going to jam the chessboard in you."

"Chessboard? Jam it in me? Vase? Why don't I remember any of this? _Who _are you anyway?" he addressed the white haired man who looked stricken by the question. "Why am I sat on the floor?"

"Because I just threw a vase at you!" Nanao growled.

Kyoraku turned even more confused as several cartoon-y question marks popped up and bobbed about his head. "Vase? At me? Why am I dressed like this? _Who are you people_?"

"Shunsui," Ukitake started slowly, waving Nanao off, "do you know who _you _are?"

"I'm Kyoraku Shunsui, but what I want to know is why I'm on the floor… and why my head hurts."

Before Nanao could explode into another rage, this time about a vase, Ukitake fell into a squat near his injured friend. "You're the taichou of the Eighth Division; a member of the Gotei 13. You remember?"

"Of course I do!"

Ukitake stood back up. "I think he's got a mild case of amnesia, Nanao-fukutaichou," he said in all seriousness. "We'd best take him to Fourth."

Nanao nodded as the both stood at the man's side to support him whether he needed it or not; her guilty expression not gone unnoticed by the Thirteenth Captain.

"I think I need a shave," Kyoraku mentioned as he was led from the room.

* * *

It was no good; she couldn't think of anything to draw on Kyoraku so onto the next page it was!

**- Tousen Kaname - Ninth Division Captain -**

He was another of those rare breed of Captain who was nice to her. Though, he was nice to everyone, or indifferent to them. But not 'rude' indifferent, more sort of… in his own world, Yachiru thought. But whenever she popped up at him he was always nice and would even attempt to hold a conversation with her (of which she found mostly boring, but anyway).

In an attempt to learn more about how he worked she read his personality profile; JUSTICE

Hmm, so he liked justice then? Alrighty then, she'd keep that in mind. Onto the next person!

**- Toushiro Hitsugaya - Tenth Division Captain -**

He picture stood glaring back up at her. She had half a mind to draw him on a smile but too many people walking around constantly smiling would be plain creepy… more so anyway. Besides, he'd never control his Division with a look like that. Though, how did his control them in the first place?

Maybe his personality page held the answers; stern personality… doesn't have a sense of humour… dislikes everything… hates jibes about his height… will occasionally be nice to Hinamori… dislikes _you_…

No surprises there, Yachiru sighed. She didn't honestly know what to draw on him other than the smile and she'd been through that. Maybe some kitty ears? Nah, she started colouring in his zanpakutou from the back view of his image…

* * *

With a deafening howl a three fingered-clawed hand came crashing down scattering his Division members like Skittles (whatever they were). This Hollow was a monster! Of course, they all resembled one, but this one was particularly ugly and when he'd mentioned that in a passing insult the thing had gone mental on them.

So much for his cool, calm, exterior. He'd let the little bout of wits get the better of him. And against a _Hollow _no less. Just… great.

He watched as the thing brought it's scythe-esc hand down on more of his men and finally howled an order. "Don't just stand there! Retreat!"

"Taichou!" his men confirmed and began pulling back immediately.

Another voice turned his head as a woman raced towards him against the flow of the Division members. "Matsumoto! What are you doing!? Retreat!"

"T-taichou," the robust woman panted. "You can't fight him alone - it's madness! This Hollow even evaded Kuchiki-taichou! I'm helping whether you like it or not."

Hitsugaya glowered to hide his secret gratification. Well, it wasn't as if Matsumoto couldn't handle herself. "Fine," he grumbled. "We have to be wary. It's in rage and will be highly unpredictable."

Matsumoto eyed the horrific gouge in the Hollow's mask that ran from it's forehead in a jagged line to draw across one eye. Hyorinmaru had certainly done a number on the thing, but been a little too clumsy and not finished the job. Instead it had thrown the beast into the throes of blind madness.

They both darted away as that same clawed hand came crashing down between them. Hitsugaya rolled to his feet as Matsumoto spun around to catch her balance as a resounding earthquake shattered the ground beneath them. The nameless Hollow screeched in it's fury, beginning to stomp the ground with it's grotesquely pointed feet casing more small earthquakes that shook the area.

Hitsugaya rose to his feet again. Since when had the thing been able to cause earthquakes like _that_?! Sure, it's sheer size could be a contribution to such an attack, but not of such magnitude. Motioning to his lieutenant he made a swift break from the forest area they'd encountered the beast and made for the nearest and largest clearing. It would do no good to be focused on the enemy only to be squished by a falling tree, he mused.

"Alright, Matsumoto," he started once they stood waiting for the Hollow to catch up. She nodded back at him, tightening her grip on Haineko noticeably.

"Auaahhg! How dare you! How _dare _you, you _little midget_!" the Hollow came howling upon them. "This is a face of utmost rapture! Or, it used to be…" he trailed off quietly.

The two shinigami stared at him.

"Uh, I mean-auarrrgg! _How dare you_!? I'll eat you for dinner!"

The two shinigami stared at him some more.

"I-mean-not-for-dinner! Tea? How about tea? Augghh, I'll eat you for tea!"

More general staring of bewilderment.

"Oh, sod it," the Hollow huffed, throwing himself at the pair. Really, trying to sound threatening wasn't exactly his thing.

Hitsugaya growled and lowered his body. He had to protect his Division! He hadn't known they were so damn slow at retreating that he'd caught them up in his own attempt to lure the huge Hollow from the forest. Really, he'd have to have a strict word with them or, at least, make them complete five laps around Rukongai.

He could feel their eyes on him as he reached for Hyorinmaru. The strange Hollow drew closer and closer and he inched his zanpakutou from it's sheath - once the thing was close enough he only had to draw to a close the wound on it's mask to finish it off. At the extreme last second, amongst at the Hollow's wailing and shrieking, he draw Hyorinmaru free to cleave the beast in two; he held his blade forward to see…

"A banana!?" he howled indignantly.

"**A banana**!?" his division echoed as Matsumoto tackled him to the floor and free of the massive bulk that would've otherwise flattened him… not that he _wasn't _otherwise flattened by _other _bulks, but whatever. A banana!?

"A banana!?" Matsumoto whispered to him from the floor.

"A banana!?" he hissed with disbelief whilst examining what Hyorinmaru had become. He could hear the pained embarrassed voice of his zanpakutou reverberating around his head.

"A banana!?" the Hollow hurled with laughter.

* * *

Her random scribbling had turned out to look like a particular piece of fruit, but she couldn't quite place it's name for the moment. Ah, it's come to her. She hadn't really done that much damage to poor little _Shiro-chan_, she mused. Oh well, maybe she'd come back to him later. She had other victims yet!

She giggled knowing who'd be in the next image.

**- Zaraki Kenpachi - Eleventh Division Captain -**

Ken-chan!

How could she _possibly _deface his image? Well, she could quite easily if she were feeling that way inclined, but alas, today she wasn't. Today she was extracting her revenge on the Captains who were mean to her and Ken-chan hardly fell into that category.

She absent mindedly scribbled on his image as she read though about his personality, but she knew it all already so it didn't settle in her brain. After she'd finished skimming the page covered in scrawled, handwritten writing she looked back at the image to see she'd made his hair look like one giant fan. Each separate spike of hair had a flap connecting it - it was a crude fan but one nonetheless.

* * *

It was the two giddy 'schoolgirl' voices that woke Zaraki Kenpachi up with a startled grunt. After cleaning his ears out with his trusty little finger he sat forward in his chair to listen more closely… seemed they were only in the next room.

"You have blonde hair, that's a great start! But, green eyes? Where did you go wrong?" a familiar voice said with a merrily-whiney tone.

"I can't help it, I was born this way!" the other voice flat-out whined.

"Blue is a very natural colour," the other continued. "Even my hair has a _delightful _azure shine. Maybe you should consider contacts?"

"Is it really that important?"

Zaraki tilted an eyebrow as a loud 'SLAP' echoed around the rooms. Silence followed by a fair bit of pathetic whimpering. Was that one of his Division members making such noises? Surely not. If it were, well, he'd have to kill the useless weed. He shrugged - at least it'd give him something to do on a Sunday afternoon.

"Do you _not _understand the basic rules of narcissism? Rule number one: If you have blonde hair, you have blue eyes. It's common knowledge!"

"Y-yes, sorry… whatever you think's best…"

"Tsk, whatever am I to do with you, Matsuri?" the superior voice purred.

Who the fuck was Matsuri? But at least it was easy to figure out the other voice belonged to Yumichika. Seriously, if no one could figure out who he was just from his choice of speaking subject they were fucking stupid and deserved to die…

"But your hair is _so soft_, Matsuri-chan! Whatever do you use?"

The other voice practically giggled. "It's coconut milk extract, and it smells just _spiffy _for days afterwards!"

"I'll have to try that," Yumichika replied with an excited tone. "I usually use lavender oil but it's a trifle pain to obtain these days."

"If you come 'round to the Fifth Division I'll get you some!" Zaraki could hear the Matsuri person jump to their feet. "I have to keep it hidden or Hinamori-fukutaichou would nab it all. You know I grow lavender in the Division gardens."

"Oh, Matsuri-chan! I thought you'd never ask!"

Zaraki ground his teeth as his patience dwindled away amongst all the girly squealing and giggling and he distinctively heard the pair suddenly hug. He didn't give a shit about the strange blonde invading his Division, but Yumichika had to be justly punished for his behaviour… that and Zaraki just _really _needed something to do.

"_What. The. Fuck_?" he barged in the room, catching the two mid-hug. They stared back at him like deer startled under his metaphorical headlights. He stared back and repeated his previous statement.

Yumichika immediately withdrew. "Do you know who this is, taichou?" he asked while indicating his friend.

"A pussy?"

"No, well, yes… but this is my disciple, Matsuri Koibi!" The blonde waved weakly after his attempted salute failed miserably as Yumichika introduced him. "He's got a lot to learn and who better to teach than moi?"

Where was Ikkaku when you needed him? "Got out," Zaraki ground out at the pair. The blonde wasted no time in scurrying from the room, but Zaraki was more stricken by how Yumichika remained to his spot chuckling quietly to himself.

Slowly and with as much nonchalance a living being could bare, Yumichika strode from the room. He would have to be punished. Severely. A sudden "poink" registered to his senses and he whipped around to see what atrocity the Fifth Seat had just committed but found himself alone the room. Strange.

"Hmmm," he rumbled and risked the danger of running a hand through his hair - only his fingers couldn't make it past the flaps.

Wait. Flaps?

* * *

She kicked her feet back and giggled at what she'd done, unintentional though it was. Buy hey, give a child a paintbrush and you can't expect them to not draw on everything within reach. After smoothing over his page she turned it to see the next image.

**- Kurotsuchi Mayuri - Twelfth Division Captain -**

Of course the entirety of the Gotei Thirteen were freaks of assorted levels, but Kurotsuchi had to make top of the list… if there were one. She was sure _someone _had to be keeping one, and if not, then she'd have to start one herself. She could hold a big competition around it; it'd be so fun! But, yes, Kurotsuchi.

He was weird full stop. His hat looked like a demented teapot and she thought he must've gotten his chin stuck in a shot glass and couldn't shake it loose. What was there to read in his personality page; generally weird and creepy… likes to 'black up' despite numerous protests… admires Gundam technology… possibly sterile…?

But his appearance reminded her of one of those Western instruments. You blew into one end and it made a 'HOOOONK' noise… a trumpet? That was the one! She blew into her hand trying to imitate the noise then wrote the noise down in a speech bubble coming from the image.

* * *

The sweat was dripping down his forehead as he plunged deeper into the chest cavity of his newest invention. The damp cloth that was wiped across his head helped, but he was soon sweating again. He could just _not _afford to ruin this! It was a very important and precious specimen. More sweat dribbled down into his eyes.

"The cloth, girl, the cloth!" he snarled at the trim young lady stood behind him. The instant he spoke she darted the cloth across his forehead.

"Kurotsuchi-san, we still don't know what this is for," one of the other people present motioned to the body lying across the operating table. "What is it exactly?"

Mayuri shook his head. Did minions really have to know such details? "It is a gigai used to detect undetectable gigais," he murmured as he probed deeper into the body.

The other man stuttered on his words, "is that even possible? I mean; they're undetectable gigais. I-it's what they do."

"Is there a problem with that?" he deadpanned the scientist.

"Well, no, not really. Maybe… yes. I mean, Urahara-san couldn't even make something like tha-"

"That's enough! If such a subject truly fascinates you so then we can discuss it afterwards. Right now, you need to concentrate! I've been working on this entirely _too _long, and will _not _have you inept interns wrecking my experiments. Silence now and work!" They wouldn't be discussing it afterwards, Mayuri chuckled lightly. He's have the boy killed if he continued to show such disrespect.

Oh, damnit! That chuckle had knocked his hand of course. Blood was escaping a vital valve. Okay, it wasn't actually a valve - he just liked saying that word.

Valve.

He couldn't actually see where the blood was coming from, damnit! Hahah, _valve _- no! Focus! My God, if anyone were to get in his head they'd be severely surprised by the thoughts that passed through.

"Imbeciles!" He hollered, "useless imbeciles!" The vitals on the body were jumping from one extreme to the other, all the monitors in the room were beeping, the red light on the ceiling was flashing…yes, that one was annoying. Why had he put it in again? He wasn't blind!

Thankfully, Akon came to his rescue (though he'd never admit that - he was _the _best after all!). The no-eye-browed freak frowned (though it was difficult to tell) and shoved his hand into the body. Mayuri considered that but nodded with satisfaction as the weirdo got down to his elbow and all the vitals returned to normal. There was a reason he was _one _of the best (another thing Mayuri wouldn't admit)!

He could hear Nemu sigh with relief behind him and resisted the urge to slap her. Really, why couldn't he resist hitting her? It was so fun! Besides, he was a mad scientist - he had to have something fun to do at work!

Refusing to outwardly acknowledge Akon, he continued with his exploration of the foreign body. Now he had to be extremely careful; any number more than three mistakes in operation could dethrone himself as 'The Best' and he would not stand for that!

Aha! That small blockage in the ventricular valve (haha, valve) had to go. "Nemu!" he snapped, holding his hand out impatiently. She wasted no time in handing him the desired implement. "Now, everyone watch an-HOOOONK!"

Everyone gathered around the table jumped as their Captain lurched back from the sudden noise, ripping the body beyond repair as blood spouted and spewed everywhere. They rushed around in well choreographed panic trying to revive the body.

"Silence!" Mayuri howled causing them all to freeze. "I demand to kno-HOOOONK!" He fell back to cover his mouth.

"Father?" Nemu mover closer to the man as he practically cowered. Why was he making such noises. It was… obscene. Should she be making such noises too?

"HOOOONK!"

"Hoooonk," she tried it but it didn't seem to have the same impact as her father's. It just didn't feel… natural to her.

He glared at her. "Nem-HOOOONK!"

* * *

Satisfied with the results Yachiru grinned some more before turning to the next page. It had only been a minor attack on him, but if she were honest she hardly even saw him much let alone getting close enough for him to be nasty to her. But, she concentrated on the next image.

**- Jushiro Ukitake - Thirteenth Division Captain -**

Possibly the nicest person be ever be born, die and reborn again! She just couldn't get enough of the sweets he gave her and the little stories he told, and to top things off his two seated members always entertained her in their own oblivious, strange way! Her grin threatened to split her face. No way she could deface _anything _to do with the older Shiro-chan!

Not needing to know anymore than she already did about such a nice person she turned the page again to discover she'd made it through the entire thing and only those note pages, mentioned by the author, were left. Maybe she should write her thoughts on the book in them?

No, it was better not to leave behind and obvious evidence. The actual drawings in the book could have come from anyone since arts and craft wasn't exactly a specialty in Soul Society.

Flopping over onto her side she sighed contentedly.

* * *

Half of the Gotei Thirteen's Captains had all ended up in the Fourth Division and Unohana was at her wick's end with them all. Each had a complaint every other second that had to be dealt with.

'My face hurts', 'I can't si' down, m' tail gets in the way', 'this room smells', 'I don't know where I am', 'HOOOONK!'

It was driving her up the wall. And it wasn't like she could drop them on some lower Division members either, not when they all had such strange symptoms and were Captains; and as Captains they expected only Unohana herself to treat them.

So instead of giving them some of her infamous earwax flavoured poison to dispose of them she called for a Captain's meeting, and was pleased/horrified to find the General with similar inflictions as he ordered the urgent meeting.

Thus all thirteen Captains gathered together in the room with only one chair (READ: throne) that Yamamoto occupied, despite other Captain's clearly needing it more.

"So, let us recap," the General started. "Second is being assaulted constantly by an invisible foe, Third had suddenly sprouted fox limbs, Fifth has an obscene nose and moustache combo, Sixth has talking ornaments, Eighth has amnesia Tenth has a banana, Eleventh has a fan and Twelfth has a speech impediment?"

The Captains nodded.

"An' you smell," Ichimaru pointed out.

"Yes, thank you," Yamamoto glared. "Fourth, Seventh and Ninth are the only Divisions that have remained problem free?"

The Captains nodded again.

"It'd better get damn well fixed soon!" Zaraki blared. "I can't even go outside in the wind! It keeps blowing me back in!"

"You don't know the meaning of wind, whelp!" Noah Wei shouted from Kuchiki's head.

"What the fuck do you know!?" Zaraki growled back at the thing. "Take that damn thing off, Kuchiki!"

Kuchiki shook his head. "I cannot do that. I am a noble and as such-"

"Oh, not this crap again!" Zaraki rumbled, crossing his arms.

"It seems we all ha-HOOOONK!"

"Stop with the HONKING!" Soi Fong shouted up at the Twelfth Captain. "Do you have _any _idea how annoying it is?"

"It can't be any-HOOOONK- more annoying than watching y-HOOOONK- fly across the room!" Mayuri scowled back at the woman to be rewarded as she suddenly received another smack that jerked her back a little.

"Taichous!" Yamamoto yelled.

"If you took it off you could piss off!" Zaraki continued his tirade with the Sixth Captain.

"We're not going anywhere, pal!" Noah Wei growled back.

"I don't know where I am!"

"Everyone stop shoutin'! I've got _four _ears!"

"Taichous!"

"May I leave? I can't bear the smell any longer!"

"How would you like me to knock you across the room!?" Soi Fong threatened.

Mayuri smirked, "You couldn't knock a gigai across the room!"

"This is pathetic," the strained voice of Hitsugaya could be heard under the uproar.

"TAICHOUS!" Everyone stopped dead as Yamamoto howled and the smell burst from him in waves. They all covered their noses but even with his covered Aizen still felt woozy. "I will not have you behaving in such a way!"

There were several murmured apologies as he took them all in. What a sight.

As was normal with such meetings they all stood on either side of the room in two lines facing each other, however he noticed Ichimaru had to lean on Aizen lest he fall, and Aizen himself didn't look too peachy. Kyoraku was clinging to Ukitake like his life depended on it as he kept mumbling about being in a strange place. Hitsugaya looked exceptionally angry with a giant yellow banana strapped to his back; Kuchiki may have looked calm but the three beings alive on his head ornament where hardly as quiet. The audible beating noises announced Soi Fong had just been attacked again as she jerked about and Kurotschi seemed normal but the moment he opened his mouth it was like a foghorn. The other Captains stood around trying not to stare too obviously - although Unohana looked like she wanted to kill each and every one of them.

"What I would like to know is what we're going to do about it," Komamaru interjected.

"Yes," Tousen agreed. "Something similar could happen to any of us at any moment."

"We have to act fast."

Yamamoto nodded to them all. "Yet we cannot jump into something dangerous. Obviously the person or persons behind this have some highly advanced science; our best course would be to proceed with the utmost caution."

"Whatever," Zaraki mumbled. "If I find the bastard I'm gonna tear 'im a new…"

"Alright! Taichous, you are to search your Division grounds with a fine comb and toothpick to begin with. When you are positive you have led a competent search report back here. If you find the culprit then apprehend him as carefully as possible. Understood?"

Everyone present nodded. He wasn't convinced.

"Who still doesn't understand?"

It wasn't a surprise to see Kyoraku timidly raise his hand as the question marks around him bobbed more. Yamamoto dropped his head in his hands as several other Captains groaned.

"First, we search for the culprit," Unohana started.

"Then we apprehend the culprit," Hitsugaya continued.

"An' culprit goes bye-bye," Ichimaru finished.

The clueless man rubbed his chin, "I-I still don't get it…"

"It's very simple," Aizen began to explain in the nasally voice the massive nose rendered him with. "We look for the individual doing this, we arrest them, and as Gin said, we execute them. Simple."

"It's okay," Ukitake told all those gathered, "I'll explain it thoroughly." The General almost broke a smile of gratitude to his favourite student.

Ichimaru leaned in closer to Aizen from the shoulder he was keeping himself up by. "Aizen-sama, don' call me 'Gin' in public; 'm a taichou now…" he whispered.

"Maybe to everyone else," Aizen replied offhandedly.

"I am!"

"Don't throw a hissy fit, Gin."

"'m _not _throwin' a hissy fit!" Ichimaru practically shrieked.

Everyone in the room stopped their own conversations to stare at him, startled expressions on all _including _Hitsugaya and Tousen (Komamaru didn't count… y'know, the bucket and all?). He stared back with a slight frown before they instantaneously burst back into a horrendous orgy of an argument again.

Yamamoto facepalmed.

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, was long… several plotholes too, like the undetectable gigai thing, hah.

Yachiru isn't a very descriptive child, really. And Kira is so whipped it's amazing. Plus, Gin being _possibly _addicted to toothpaste (peppermint flavour) is sorta an in-joke with a friend - but ya can get the general gist of him needing nice teeth with all the smiling… I also have nothing against Byakuya, but he's just too prissy to not make fun off. Tis all in good fun, people, haha!

I, uh, also know nothing about science so Mayuri's part was hilarious to write from my ignorant perspective (laughs)!

Plus! Now I've finished my summer job I can update more and _finally _get round to reading/reviewing some other fics, awesome!

**NEXT CHAPTER: **Day four continues as the Divisions set out to find the culprit and the answers to why said individual is doing all this!

And if you read this fic and you're a nice person you'd leave a **review **on ya way out. If ya don't then you're _mean _and Yachiru will have to punish you :C


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